Anyone I ever complain to about this tells me they would kill for this problem. That’s the same thing people tell me about my curly hair -they’d kill me, scalp me and make my hair into a wig.
Maybe I should be really, really scared of these people.
Normally I’m okay with people thinking I’m a lot younger than my 22 years. However, there is a line. And that line is when the cashier at World Market tries to keep me from buying my wine. Yesterday, there I was, just trying to check out, when the cashier started freaking out.
“I’m really going to need to see your ID,” he said. He looked at it. “This can’t be real. There’s no way you’re old enough to buy alcohol. I can’t sell you wine. I don’t want to go to jail!”
I blinked at him. I wasn’t wearing pigtails. I didn’t have pants with JUICY written across my butt. I thought I looked moderately professional.
“I’m definitely old enough,” I told him, snippily. Maybe my grouchy tone indicated my happy youthful exterior was an illusion, but he eventually rang me up, shaking his head the whole time.
I got my wine, so it turned out okay. But this happens all the time. I’d be fine if people thought I was just in college. But clearly I look, much, much younger.
“Are you excited about prom, honey?” asked an elderly lady while I was looking at shoes in the mall.
“Wow, I can’t believe you’re actually 21! You look like a friend of my daughter’s at her high school!” remarked yet another cashier trying to take my wine away.
The absolute craziest of these instances happened last year, when I was working in the coffee shop. One customer caught sight of my wedding rings and was fascinated by them.
“How long have you been married, honey?” she asked. I told her six months.
“Oh! Wow!” she said, her eyes darting around. She leaned closer and started whispering. “You know, dear, you don’t have to stay. There’s help. I can get you out, if you need help.”
I blinked. “Excuse me?”
“I mean, how old are you, honey?”
She stared. “OH! I’m so sorry. I saw a special on 60 minutes the other night on child brides from West Virginia, and I thought . . .well, I though you were only 14. . . ”
Yeah. That happened. But, since I believe in making the most delightful lemonade from lemons, I present:
Five Ways To Make Money by Looking Younger
- Get knocked up. Take your pretty young face straight to MTV and get cast on Teen Mom. Lie about your age. It’s cool, everyone will believe you.
- Drawing deep on your acting talent, develop a personality disorder that causes America to hate you yet follow your every move with reckless abandon.
- Write a book loosely based on your life.
- Start a fashion line.
- Pop up randomly on other reality shows, like Celebrity Rehab, Celebrity Boot Camp or a yet-to-be-determined spin-off of Teen Mom.