How to look younger: I’m really not a child bride

Anyone I ever complain to about this tells me they would kill for this problem. That’s the same thing people tell me about my curly hair -they’d kill me, scalp me and make my hair into a wig.

Maybe I should be really, really scared of these people.

Normally I’m okay with people thinking I’m a lot younger than my 22 years. However, there is a line. And that line is when the cashier at World Market tries to keep me from buying my wine. Yesterday, there I was, just trying to check out, when the cashier started freaking out.

“I’m really going to need to see your ID,” he said. He looked at it. “This can’t be real. There’s no way you’re old enough to buy alcohol. I can’t sell you wine. I don’t want to go to jail!”

I blinked at him. I wasn’t wearing pigtails. I didn’t have pants with JUICY written across my butt. I thought I looked moderately professional.

“I’m definitely old enough,” I told him, snippily. Maybe my grouchy tone indicated my happy youthful exterior was an illusion, but he eventually rang me up, shaking his head the whole time.

I got my wine, so it turned out okay. But this happens all the time. I’d be fine if people thought I was just in college. But clearly I look, much, much younger.

“Are you excited about prom, honey?” asked an elderly lady while I was looking at shoes in the mall.

“Wow, I can’t believe you’re actually 21! You look like a friend of my daughter’s at her high school!” remarked yet another cashier trying to take my wine away.

The absolute craziest of these instances happened last year, when I was working in the coffee shop. One customer caught sight of my wedding rings and was fascinated by them.

“How long have you been married, honey?” she asked. I told her six months.

“Oh! Wow!” she said, her eyes darting around. She leaned closer and started whispering. “You know, dear, you don’t have to stay. There’s help. I can get you out, if you need help.”

I blinked. “Excuse me?”

“I mean, how old are you, honey?”

“Twenty two.”

She stared. “OH! I’m so sorry. I saw a special on 60 minutes the other night on child brides from West Virginia, and I thought . . .well, I though you were only 14. . . ”

Yeah. That happened. But, since I believe in making the most delightful lemonade from lemons, I present:

Five Ways To Make Money by Looking Younger

  1. Get knocked up. Take your pretty young face straight to MTV and get cast on Teen Mom. Lie about your age. It’s cool, everyone will believe you.
  2. Drawing deep on your acting talent, develop a personality disorder that causes America to hate you yet follow your every move with reckless abandon.
  3. Write a book loosely based on your life.
  4. Start a fashion line.
  5. Pop up randomly on other reality shows, like Celebrity Rehab, Celebrity Boot Camp or a yet-to-be-determined spin-off of Teen Mom.
Now, just count your dollars, and use them to buy pants with JUICY written across your butt.

Because nothing is classier than free advertising on your butt.

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10 Responses to How to look younger: I’m really not a child bride

  1. shelby says:

    Hahahaha. I’m 30 now, but when I was in my mid-20s, the ladies as Costco used to try to deny me free samples. You have to be 16 to get samples. Sorry I am short and don’t wear a lot of makeup!

    I just found your blog and it’s cracking me up! Keep it up! 🙂

  2. Kara says:

    I used to be mistaken for much younger too, but having a kid helps because no one looks at me now, just the baby 🙂

    Also, I run outside a lot, so even with spf 50, I’m well on my way to “leathery old lady” look.

  3. Chrissy says:

    60 minutes is definitely the expert on WV child brides…what was she planning to do exactly? That cracks me up. 😛

  4. Aww, well if it makes you feel better, 22 *is* young! I always got carded when 22!!

  5. I’m 28 and if I get carded I have to use every ounce of retraint in my body not to kiss the person right on the mouth.
    One can only imagine what I’d do once I’m like 37…

  6. haha I get so excited when they ask me for ID at the liquor store. Im pretty sure I post it to facebook the very second I walk outside. 🙂
    The good news is, as annoying as it is right now, when you’re 45, you are going to be so happy you look younger. Or you could wind up like me – I used to look young, now not so much. A 40 year old actually asked me if I graduated with him a few years ago (I was 23 at the time).

  7. Tiff says:

    Bahaha – child bride from WV? I can’t believe someone actually said that. Oh well – at least she was looking out for ya…. I guess.

    I’m glad Shelby introduced me to your blog!

  8. cindylu says:

    I still get age estimates about 5 years younger than my actual age. In college, I did volunteer tutoring at a local high school. Often the HS students thought that I was one of them. That happens too when people mistake me for an undergraduate. They: what’s your major. Me: um, I’m getting a PhD in blah blah blah.

    I used to say I was 15-16 and in college. A lot of people believed me and thought I was a genius. Hah.

  9. I’m 26 and people ask me if I’m old enough to drink, too. I get carded sometimes when I buy my boyfriend’s nasty cigarettes…seriously, I don’t look at least 18? Oh well. I’ve always figured it’ll be a nice perk when I’m 40+, providing the youthful appearance lasts, of course.

    Brb, buying more anti-aging cream.

  10. Jessica says:

    Hahaha that’s funny. I’m 23 but I get conflicting opinions all the time.. it’s never one way or the other. Either, you look a lot older than 23 or you look like you’re 18 :/ I think I would just prefer to look my age. One day though, you’ll appreciate your young looks 🙂

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