Mourning a Furry Murder

I know that, to some, squirrels inspire lots of unfounded rage. Like this cop, who maced a baby squirrel while onlooking middle school girls screamed.

If you’re a dog, squirrels inspire the instinct of their wolf ancestors – hunt, kill, eat.

If you’re down south, squirrels might inspire a great stew recipe.

If you’re my car, squirrels inspire cruelly crushing their bodies with your tires of death.

If you’re me, killing a cute little hopping squirrel with your car will temporarily devastate you. I mean, the little dude crunched.

I drove on and prayed that by the time I got to work, there would be no furry bits on my tires.

I’m not a huge animal lover. The only pets I’ve ever really owned were some goldfish, including one we lovingly named ‘Flush.’ I’m allergic to cats, and the only way I could ever own a dog is if it lived outside. I don’t like that dogs smell. Yes, I am a princess sometimes.

But I love watching squirrels. I never really saw any growing up in California, but now there are bunches of them frolicking across (and…inside, in some cases) the roof of my apartment. I like how they scurry, I like the little baby ones, I like not crushing their little bodies with my terrible death vehicle.

My coworkers were no help when I told them of my great sorrow.

“Allison, you know it’s probably all over your tires.”

“I ran over a bunny once. It was still twitching, so I backed up.”

“Once, there were 11 squirrels in my attic. I shot them all with a BB gun. They were having a squirrel orgy – I couldn’t handle the ruckus.”

I really do wonder sometimes about these people I spend 40 hours a week with. But then again, I’m the one who murders fluffy, cute baby rodents.

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2 Responses to Mourning a Furry Murder

  1. Kara says:

    I ran over a turtle once. Now THAT made a crunch to remember. I felt bad, but at least it wasn’t someone’s pet. I’d feel worse running over a cat with a little bell collar. Maybe you can buy a bunch of those little dried corn on the cobs for the squirrels in your neighborhood as atonement?

  2. Becky says:

    Sorry! Your coworkers really didn’t have the right things to say, wow! When I was little, my dad was taking me to school and hit a bird in the road… he felt so bad that after he dropped me off, he went back and buried it. It was sweet but sad. These things happen, not your fault!

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